So I dont Rock

Do you remember that sinking feeling when you know you've just fucked up big time but are beyond the point of no return.

The time when you play through in your head all the nice saves that you know are impossible, just so you don't have to face the magniture of your fuckup.

Well I was there yesterday. Without getting into details I did an upgrade that has now turned sour. Trying now to work out how to get things back on track.

I hate feeling stupid yet doing stupid things does it. At this point I have no confidence in myself or my abilities...but I guess I will feel better later when I somehow manage to recover what I have put awry.

I Rock!

Ok, well I'm not a rock god or anything but I did get my Uni results back today and I'm proud to say yet another Distinction. My fifth since returning to uni. I only wish I could have worked this hard the first time around rather than doing it the hard way!

But it's a good feeling to know that I am smart and that I can do this. Now just to finish.

The Secret Life of Others

Ever wonder what your friends think of you? Or your co-workers. Something their not going to say to your face, yet they might say online in a chatroom or a blog.

I wonder, is it wrong to check out other peoples online musings just to get a feel for your own worth? I mean come one, we all get worried sometimes about how we are percieved in the world, so why would it be a bad thing?

If you put stuff out there you shouldn't really expect it to go unnoticed. I mean that's why I'm here spewing out such drivel as I do. So that people like you will read my musings and think better of me. Think that somehow having taken this leap I am a better person.

But it's all bull really. Just another outlet for the mind to pour forth shite. Well ok not everything is shite...some of it might be considering insightful and witty. But usually I write here just 'cos I get a feeling about something or I'm feeling down. The I tell the world about it and somehow that makes it better.

So now my life isn't so secret. My thoughts are yours to digest. Maybe I'll let out some secrets but generally I'll just gripe about the world and offer my angle on it all.

There. Now doesn't that feel better?

Life under the Thumb

Tell most people you're married and they'll come back with some comment about your boss (ie your wife) or something about having to get a leave pass in order to go out.

Yet after being married almost 4 months I hate to say I can't see any of that!

Makes me think that some people have a raw deal in marriage. Then again I guess these musings come down to the compramises we have to make in order to live with someone. When we're single and living alone its the ultimate in freedom. Noone to check with noone to call when your home late. In theory its the ideal situation.

Yet after being married I wouldn't go back. The comprimise made is far outweighed by the joy of having a lovely wife to hang out with for ever and a day.

Wife: Yes, this is about you.


I think somehow the fact that we both went through the aguish of planning a wedding of our own accord means that we really want it. Doing that, liasing with families, bargining guest lists and tables working out what to do after. It all proves that we're on the right thing. If we faced these things and turned and ran, well that would be saying something wouldn't it!

I love my wife and I'm so glad I'm married.

Nuff said.

Please dont make me get up early again

Ok here's the deal. We've been having lots of eletrical work going on over the last month or so. Big deal you say? Well for those of you who haven't had the pleasure of working in close contact with electricians won't know that electricians for some unknown reason like to start work at 7am!! Even if they are commuting from the Central Coast (1hr away by car). This of course means that if you also don't start work at 7am then your electricians are sitting around for an hour or so waiting for you to come and let them in.

But don't think that means that just work back an hour. Oh no! They will still leave at their normal finishing time of 3pm. Thus you get sparkies that look to you to be very lazy.

So my point is why? Why do they have to start so early. Most of the working world doesn't! Well ok, all tradies seem to start early and having been the person to let them in early for the last week or so I'm beginging to wonder why. Why can't they just adjust to our hours and be done with it? Surely they wouldn't mind the sleep in? I know I would!

All right, it's a lame rant but dammit it's a rant! I'm tired and no amount of coffee is going to fix that this morning. Perhaps I should just sleep under my desk for an hour or so until someone else rocks up!

Grrr.

My Geekdom

Ok here is my confession:

Step 1. I am a geek.
Step 2. I am proud of that fact.
Step 3. Noone else is.

You see, I like being geeky and yet I feel that noone else appreciates my geekyness. Perhaps this is why geeks cluster together thus aggrevating the whole isolation a geek feels when attempting to interface with the real world.

But I have to go now...duty calls, I will blog again soon and expose my geekiness to the world!!

Bye for now.

The Routine of life

It's funny the love hate relationship we have with routine. On the one hand we like to think of ourselves as free creatures able to do what we like when we like.

Yet we are bound to routine by life . If you want to live you have to eat.
If you want to eat you must shop, cook and cleanup. Washing must be done. So many things are dictated to us by outside (or inside) influences. We are not really as free as we would believe.

When the routines of life fall apart we find ourselves not really living anymore.

During my whole kitchen upgrade all the usual routines fell aside. Not just the ones you would assosicate with a kitchen upgrade. Yes cooking stopped. But shopping also stopped. Clothes washing stopped. And general tidyness had to stop.

This is where humans natural lazyness comes through. We have to work to survive but given the choice we would revert to our natural lazy mode albiet to conserve energy that is so precious!

When one routine stops it becomes much easier to justify not doing other things. Much easier to do less than not.

I cant help wonder what the future holds when technology makes it easier and easier to live. Where things like shopping and cooking and cleaning are done for us. What then? What will we become when we revert to lazy mode all the time? Who knows. I for one would prefer doing things myself if I can help it. Makes me feel like I am actually responsible for my survival when I know full well I'm not. No matter what I do society will take pains to protect me from myself and itself from me.

Therefor I conclude I'm not really a free agent doing what I want when I want. I am a social creature doing what I have to in order to get along. Working to live, living for some undefinable goal that I may never achieve.

I hope it's all worth it.

Phew I made it

Finally I have finished the uni year with hopefully a good result. For having missed many weeks of lessons and having unintelligable lecterers I think I have done well.

Ok, quick background...I've been slaving away at my uni degree for 13 years now and hopefully I will be able to complete it in my 14th. Having started straight out of school I got disenfranchised with the whole process, seeing people pass by cramming before exams, coming out with degree without any understanding of the material.

But now I'm back with a vengance, trying to finish my degree before the kids come along. Trying to justify this huge task by nothing more than a sense of acomplishment. Big call if you ask me.

It would be different if I'd been promised more money at work from having completed a degree but I know that' s not going to happen. I got this far without it, why would having one make a difference? And it's not like the knowledge I'm learning is that useful to what I do, yet at some level I feel better for having known it.

No, to be honest my real reason is for my kids. I want to be able to say to them that it was worth it. Going through the process is almost as important as the stuff you supposedly learn. I want to be able to face my kids down the track and show them my degree (if such things are still relavent) and encourage them to do the same. I don't want them to be academically lazy like I was. Taking the easy way out might be well easy but it takes much longer to get where you're going. I'm only finally getting somewhere where I wanted to be and I've only been at it 8 years.

Sigh. That's my rant for this week!

See you all next week.

Finally

For those of you on the edge of your seats...
My Kitchen is finally being completed tomorrow. Mind you this ins't the end as they still haven't sorted out the range hood, but for the most part there will be a complete kitchen that we can use. Having a kitchen that was missing a kitchen sink is like having no kitchen at all!

It will be so good to finally pack everything back into the kitchen again and start using it!

I'm so happy I've been humming. Now ain't that wierd!

My cutie pie

Isn't she beautiful? What more could a man want than a beautiful bride who can make cute faces!!

For those that don't know, I was recently married ( I think I might have blogged about it) and this was one of the photos from the day. It's amazing how quickly we get used to the concept of being married yet long for it for so long. You would think we wouldn't be able to get over ourselves once over the threshold but yet here I am calmly talking about the most fantastic day in my life as though it was a thing I do every other weekend!

Yet on remembering, it is a really fantastic thing and I'm so glad I did it. It's such a comfortable thing to have a friend always on hand, someone to hang with, talk with and just you know be with all the time.

Well, I should stop here before I get too mushy. Isn't good for the audience I hear.

Later. 

Almost there....broom

I think I must be in the running for the longest running car repair. Just rang the shop where my other car is housed awaiting repairs. I can't recall exactly but I believe it's been over a year that it has been there. So, having spoken to him I asked what the status was and was told that it would be early next year that he would be able to get to it. I guess it's a low priority job for him!!

On the upside, I was told that it's still fully functional and working fine. And he always keeps it inside when the shop is closed so I guess that's something. It's still works and it's not weathering away.

Still, I would like to get it back onto my turf...clean her up and look after it again...it's been a bit of a curse this car having only really been on the road a couple of years in the last 7!

Oh well, cars are the bain of our modern lives. We couldn't function without them yet they cause us untold grief. All this before considering cars we might have a soft spot for.

Never fear, I will keep you all posted for the eventual return of my car!

Grrrr

Ok, so tomorrow is Melbourne Cup day (its a horse race) and normally I don't give a shite about it. But tomorrow for reasons unknown to me, my two colleages are going on a harbour cruise at the invite of our of our vendors. Why am I not going you ask? Well aparantly I don't exist. Else this company doesn't know that I exist. I wasn't invited and thus am not going.

I know I shouldn't care about such things given that I don't care about Melbourne Cup day and all that but it irks me that my junior is going to a vendor sponsored shindig and I'm not. I hate feeling left out and I can't understand why this vendor omitted myself. I deal with them just as much as anyone else here so I don't understand it.

Needless to say I'm not happy but I will expect that tomorrow whilst my boss and the junior are out on this cruise that I will be sitting here not being happy. Perhaps I'll blog about it...but I should get over it. I've had the odd vendor sponsored thing before. I just don't like being forgotten or ignored or unknown.

Then again I guess most people don't.

Grrr.

You'd think they'd know what they were doing...

Ok, This is a blantent gripe so...
I can't get why a kitchen company isn't very good at doing kitchens

Well ok, lets look at this a little more objectively...so far we have had 4 things missing from out delivery. This is potentially going to push back the completion of the kitchen costing them more money in extra tradie hours to finish the job on another day. So why are they not careful in checking these things out? Who knows. Probably the same reason the delivery men started unloading the kitchen before checking for payment.

People are fallible. It's a fact of life. People fuck up and other wear the shit. Oh well, I do at least have confidence that my kitchen will get finished eventually as I have a binding contract that says so. As for getting the kitchen done by the weekend which is what has been stipulated...I'm not holding my breath.

There, I feel much better. Better for having pushed these thoughts out into the aether were noone will read them but I will at least be rid of them.

Hmm, now back to my coffee...

Official Google Blog: Bird flu basics

I'm so over it

Ever get yourself into a situation where you're thinking, "How on earth did I get here?". I was thinking that last night whilst I was tiling my kitchen floor. Wondering how long I'm going to remember all the little bumps that I _know_ are there. How long it will be before I forget how hard it was to tile that damn floor and how tired I feel now as a result. My guess is at least 10 years. So my hope is it will be another 10 years before I attempt tiling again. Lets hope thats the case. It seems like a good idea at the time, do your own tiling save lots of money. But for reasons beyond my comprehension I was unable to foresee things that last night were very obvious!

Thus I have compliled this handly list for would be tilers who think its a good idea to do their own tiling:

• You can never have enough spacers. Running out of spaces is a _bad_ thing. Forget having a floor you can be proud of, try having a floor you can bear to look at!
• Motar gets everywhere! Yes everywhere. During post tiling showering (next moring) I found unknown bits of concrete stuck to my skin like some medival disease!
• Emergency cutting is something to be prepared for. Tiles never fit the same as when you laid them. Be prepared to trim tiles to fit...even if it means eliminating spacers to do so!
• Tiles set real quick so make sure you get them in the right place at the right time. Finding that the row you did 10 minutes ago is slightly out of place is too bad as you cant change it now. If it means your carefully cut tiles no longer fit, tough, you never expected it to look professional did you?
• Those careful lines you drew on the floor during layout to keep your tiles nice and straight are no longer useful. Funny how you don't expect that to be a problem beforehand. Let me tell you, when you stick a tile down, it doesn't just sit there, it floats around meaning it goes wherever it wants (until it butts up against something else that is). So even though you think just by pushing tiles up against each other is enough to ensure a straight floor...it isnt!!
• When you cover 3 rows in 1 hr, don't expect another 3 rows to take another hour. I think tiling sufferes from an exponential decay in tiling rate. You start at some enthusiastic rate and slowly decay to a much much slower one which results in your early "we'll be done in two hours" claim to fall by the wayside. I'm attributing this to two factors:

1. You can't possibly estimate how tired you'll get tiling. I mean I love crawling around on the floor on my hands and knees...but not normally for 6 hrs!!!
2. You slowly realize what a shoddy job you did at the begining and start trying to be more careful...the result? Each tile now takes 5 minutes to line up...and then it doesn't stay put.

Ok. Nuff said on that topic...Next week...how to tile your walls without getting shite all over your nice new kitchen benches!!!

--
Long live the duff.

Sometimes I wonder

Sometimes I wonder, what it's all about.
I sit and I stare at the birds and the bees,
At the swaying trees,
And I wonder.
Why do I feel tired all the time?
Why do I wonder about never feeling fine?
Sometimes I wonder about the point of it all,
Then I look outside, end up feeling small.
Its a nice gentle afternoon sunset outside and I miss sitting and watching the day fade. Seems as though there isn't time to live anymore. Too much to do and no time to do it. Yet we resign outselves to this fate as though its better than not doing anything. I guess I feel better to be getting somewhere than sitting watching the world go by.
Yet sometimes I wish that there was more watching and less madly running towards unseen goals.

I think I need more beer.

It's all over

You know, for something that you spend 18 months planning, a wedding is over awfully quickly. It seems like ages ago that I was getting my car washed on the big day. But then you have to think about the consequences of that day. I'm now married. I have a spouse. My best friend now lives with me. I have a special ring. These are all good things! I guess it's the start of the journey. It's like planning a big overseas trip. You spend ages planning for something that in reality is relatively short, yet once you have gone on the trip, you realize when you come back that your changed. You are no longer someone who hasn't been anywhere. Thus I've done been somewhere and done something by being married.

It's all about the journey.

Next month I'll be one who has done a kitchen...

Life is boring when you're small

Sorry but really, I'm at a loss. Nothing really exciting is happening except my work is being bought by Optus. Which I guess is a good thing. I mean they've said they're not going to break us up or assimulate us borg style. But who knows what will happen. As long as I have a job I shouldn't care too much. But then I find myself caring for this place and my place in it. You get attached. It feels like a second home we spend so much time here.

And sometimes it makes you feel small when you get swept up with the wave of it all. The company gets sold without you having anything to do with it. Makes you feel like one of those proverbial grains of sand swept along with the tide. Lets hope is a good surf!

The Farcity of it all

Ok, before I launch into my tirade about the movie industry let me just explain my title. I'm not talking about a city that is far away, I'm talking about the 'farce'-ness of it all.

Ok, now I will continue my rant...

The other night I was rung up on the phone by some market research people. Now normally I would insist that now was not a good time, nor was any other time (as the usually try to tee up another time to harass you!), but in this instance the caller was neither indian nor malaysian or any other nationalality that insists on outsources english speaking call centres! Secondly the market researcher was asking about movies, something that interests me. So for a change I gave the person the time of day...or night as it was.

Turns at, during the course of the questions that I realized that this market research was infact the bread and butter of the movie industry today. The questions were about the upcoming Die Hard 4 movie that according to IMDB was in preproduction (ie writing the script) stage. I was being asked questions about the plot, would it be good to have this, or that. How important was this, or that.

Seems to me that Hollywood no longer bothers trying to come up with a good story, they just milk the preexisting ones. Not only that, they can't even replicate a story without asking people if they will go and see if before they've even written the script!! Interestingly enough the market reasearcher told me the plot involved Bruce McClain and his son whilst IMDB spoke of a father/daughter team that save America from the evil terrorists attacking the countries infrastructure. I mean geez, where did they get that idea from?

Makes you wonder how guillable we really are? I mean, perhaps these types of movies are subtlelly crafted works designed specifically to boost the American moral after years of economic downturn and increasing paranoia levels! I'm sure the movie will end with America being saved yet again from the evil terrorists!!

When will someone make a movie about the evil American terrorists that invide and take over contries without even so much as a reason.

Oh well, at least I know, when we officially become a state of the USA, we won't wont for moral boosting drivel.

The Begining of the End

Last night I signed my life away. The little blue form that lets the government know that I intend to marry. Of course there was the debarcle of trying to find my birth certificate. Seems if you want to get married you have to prove who you are!! It's always impossible to find things after a move. I mean I knew where it was before the more, I needed for my government home owners grant so I must have had it recently.

At any rate, my passport was sufficient to prove who I was. We've signed (Lucy and me) on the dotted line and the paster will submit to the government so that we can be legally (as well as emotionally and spiritually) married.

Its the begining of the end of single life. I never thought I would get to this stage. I never realized how exciting it is to be this close to commiting your life to someone. It's scary and it's amazing. Everytime I think about what I'm doing I get butterflies...in my stomach!

Well, soon (9 1/2 weeks) we will be married and it will all be over and will join the throongs of married couples that don't think anything of it. Or perhaps they do...

Ok, I've gone off track.

To the Death of Weekends

There was a time that I used to look forward to weekends. I had a ritual, Saturdays I would do stuff and Sundays was the lazy day. Sleep in till 12 have lunch at 2pm.

It was a lovely ideal. But now weekends are dead. Saturday and Sunday are just two more days that we can work on. If we are not working (hevean forbid!) then we will have many other engagements that demand our time.

Personal time is a thing of the past. If you're at home doing not much then you should be feeling guilty because there must be things you should be doing!

It wont be long before we're all expected to work 7 days a week and will have to apply to go to our nephews christening!

Yes, I worked all weekend. Yes I went to my nephews chrisitening. Yes I'm grumpy. Will it change anything? No, but at least you got to here about it.

Heavenly

Ok, been a bit slack, didn't blog yesterday. Oh wait. Yes I did. Ok, been a bit vague today. Recieved Heavenly Creatures yesterday which, for those of you who don't know, details the 'falling down' so to speak of two girls from NZ in the 50s. I can't remember the name of the mental illness that there were supposedly diagnosed with (something about shared dellusion but the name was french) but they became increasingly isolated and eccentric. This lead their parents to attempt to seperate them which resulted in the death of one of the mothers.

I've been waiting for 10 years to get this on DVD and it finally came out last week. I was a pleasure to watch again and relive those same emotions that it stirred in me all those years ago. I never forget the guilty pleasure I had in relating so very well to Pauline. I found a psych analysis online of her which match me so well it was spooky. Not that I could kill anyone but it makes you wonder. What are we really capapable of given the circumstances.

I'll let you all IMDB it for yourself for more info but I would rate it very well...also directed by Peter Jackson before his LOTR days.

Oh, well, bye for now.

Today I farewelled our admin girl. Well, ok, I let her go early and said good luck but I guess that isn't really a fare welling. It's strange how things that ought to be significant aren't and those things that we wish were not important rules our lives. Such was this. Insigificant it was. An employee leaving from a team of four people shouldn't be insignificant but this one couldn't really be considered a whole part. Oh well. Bring on the next assailant at our tightly knit group. Wherelse could we turn for salvation from the depths of boredom.

Sorry, I recieved Heavenly creatures in the mail today on DVD and have been watching it in my lunch break. Quite hard not to was lyrical when watching that movie. Very disturbing but quite touching for reasons I don't quite understand. Perhaps I will learn more about myself. Who knows?

Slept in this morning. Its funny how our semi conscious minds work. I knew what I was doing when I switched the alarm off. I knew that by not physically getting out of bed at that time meant I would fall asleep again. Yet I still did it and was late for work. Sometimes we are truly lazy, othertimes we manage to remember in time what being truly lazy involves...and we get up.

Oh well. Another day.

No more school!

Well, I've finally finished my classes for this semester. Yes, I am a uni student, but unlike most uni students, I'm still doing my degree after 14 years. Oh the shame! To be honest, I have had a break in the middle for 6 years so its not all as bad as it seems! If all goes well I will be finished next year and have the self satisfaction of relearning all the stuff that I use day to day in my job. Isn't life great? I don't really need a degree for my job but I need one to feel complete. Its not the work place that is compelling this studiousness upon me, its my friends around me that all have degrees. I just don't know what I would say to my kids years down the track to explain why it was that I started but never finished my degree. I think that looks worse that not bothering at all. At least that I can explain on an ideological level.

Stay tuned for more belly insights tomorrow.

My First Post

I always wondered what it would be like to have my own blog.

Now I know!! All those wasted thoughts that used to dissapear into the mental ether now can go splat onto this page and find other minds to contaminate.

Hope someone reads this. I will be. It's nice to read your own thoughts.

Anyway, when I have some I'll let you know.